I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
