Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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