So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
