I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I am one with the molecules
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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