You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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