Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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