You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
