I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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