I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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