we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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