Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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