please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
