Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
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My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
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It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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