how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
