I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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