I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
