I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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