Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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