you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
