last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
