I molested 6 butterflies tonight
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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