im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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