She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
