Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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