Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
