just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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