I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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