i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
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Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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