I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
