dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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