i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
