So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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