So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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