Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Randomize
