it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
