i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize