trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
