On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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