The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
