She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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