70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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