I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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