I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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