Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
