Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
