he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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