I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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