I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Randomize
