Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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