Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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