I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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