I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
