News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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