Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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