the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I didn't notice because vodka
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
